AMENDED: Dear Sons (What I Really Want for Mother’s Day)

One year later, and I love my boys more than ever.  And yet, again, I fear that they might miss the boat on Mother’s Day.  So to reiterate, and to amend, here’s what I really want for Mother’s Day

Dear Sons,

I love you sweet boys oh so very much.  And, although I’m sure, your father will force you to make a lovely half-assed card featuring monsters and lasers and a fair amount of poop, and your teacher will make you paint a frame and put a blurry picture of yourself in it, there are other things I want for Mother’s Day.  And, if you can’t pull that off, I kinda’ want a Magic Bullet (smoothies are hot right now).

Jalen made me a card more than a week ago that he poured his little heart into.  He said it was a pre-Mother’s Day Card and it had a girl and a bear walking into the sunset, hand-in-hand.  Every day I appreciate my empathetic, thoughtful son.  Someone had to take after me.

My mother bought me my Magic Bullet, because she knows what it means to be a mother, and she knows that sometimes people don’t give you what you ask for.  And she knows that if a mother actually, specifically asks for something, she probably wants it very, very badly.

Last Mother’s Day, the boys worked very hard on making me a jewelry box and a necklace out of Lego’s and we went to the Arboreteum to see the lilacs, and it was a perfect day.  

Now onto the things I want this year…

• I would like to spend one day in the car without you arguing about what you want to talk about.  You might actually have a pleasant conversation if you could just stop fighting about whether talking about Pokemon is annoying or not. (hint:  it is)

We’ve improved immensely on this front. But, now I have a new request.  Stop trying to piss each other off.  Stop pushing each other’s buttons.  Stop trying your damnedest to make the other one lose it.  The only one that’ll lose will be you (not an empty threat, I swear) 

• You could admit that you actually love playing outside.  That you love baseball and soccer and playing at the playground.  That you’d prefer to be active then to sit in front of a screen rotting your brain.

After the worst winter on record, we’re finally enjoying the outside, breathing fresh air, and being active.  And this is why we live in New England, so that we can appreciate the weather when it’s great.

• About those screens.  They are not that important.  They are not worth your anger, and your frustration and your general whiny-ness when you don’t get to play.  Playing electronics are not, and will never be, a priority in this family.  Give it up!

The games are harder, more violent, and generally cooler, but somehow the boys have finally, mostly, realized their screen limits.  And, they’ve finally wrapped their heads around the fact that I couldn’t give two Donkey Kongs about these games; leave that to their father.

• In fact, please learn, that you will never get your way by whining.  You are 9 and 6.  We have never given in to your whining.  We never will.  It is not a functional way to communicate with us.  You will not win that fight.

Entitlement, Lack of Gratitude, and General Moodiness have taken the place of whiny.  I miss whiny…  

I would love for one day for someone  to say, “Thank you, Mom.” “We appreciate the effort that you expend on making us happy.” “What do you do what you want to do today?”  

• Put your shoes on. Now.
• For the love of god, clean yourself!  You are boys.  You smell.  You must shower, and brush your teeth, and comb your hair.

and pick out your own clothes, and tie your shoes, and clean up your room.  It stinks!

• Ask your father.  He is sitting right next to you.  Watching hockey.  Do you not see him?  Do you have to walk up the stairs, storm into the bathroom, and ask me for apple juice?  Do you?

In fact, don’t even bother asking your father.  Get it yourself you lazy bums!

• Now means NOW.

Really, I’m not screwing around.  I MEAN NOW!

• We have a routine.  We do the same thing every single morning.  You need socks everyday; you need your backpack everyday; you need to strap in everyday.  Why can you not understand that?  And don’t ask me what we have.  We “have” the same things we always “have”.
• Enough with the sarcasm.  I know you “learned it from watching me,” but my sarcasm is warranted, acceptable, and witty.  Yours is annoying.

Try to be less annoying.  I get that you’re developing your persona and playing with being a young man, but for the love of god, stop trying so hard.  You have plenty of time to grow into yourself and become a charming teenager, don’t rush it!!

• You are not bored.  You keep saying that word.  I do not think that word means what you think it means.
• Keep your hands off of each other.  I know you need to be close to each other and the hours of passing each other in the halls is torture, but STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER.
• About that…. I know that it’s cool to say that your brother’s a pain. I know it’s not cool to spend every free moment at each other’s side.  I know that you don’t want to admit that your brother is your best friend.  But, he is.  And, he likely always will be.  Please stop saying you hate your brother.  You don’t.
• Please take pictures with me.  Moms aren’t in enough pictures, moms always miss out on the photos.  Please let me have pictures with my sons; even if they’re goofy.

Thank you for becoming my selfie buddies.  Thanks for squashing together so that we all fit into the frame and hold on to our memories.

• Never stop holding my hand.  Never grow to big to cuddle with your mom.  Just love me unconditionally; I promise to do the same.

Thanks for letting our relationship grow and change and develop as you do.  Thanks for watching movies with me and cuddling on the couch and playing in the snow with me.  You can grow as big as you’ll like but you’ll always be my little boys.

Stay Gold, Ponyboy. (Teaching our Boys to Read and Write)

Boys don’t like to read.  Watch the messages that they’re given.  Boys play sports, and wrestle, and play video games.  Girls read; just look at the early reader chapter books:  Judy Moody, Ivy and Bean, & Junie B. Jones.  When X was in first grade, we got a scolding by his teacher, because the books he read (Harry Potter, Captain Underpants, and Percy Jackson) were too violent for six year olds.  When I asked her what else he should read, she didn’t have an answer for me.

X is a reader.  He laps up books; can’t get enough of them.  He reads big, fat, complex books without pictures.  And, we can’t keep up with him.  We could have worse problems (as the librarian often tells us)  but it’s not easy to manage the content of his reading.  Because, given the option, his interests lie in the violent, unrealistic world of mythology and fantasy.  And, he refuses to read anything else.  Piles of books will go unread as he reads and rereads the same Percy Jackson book.

So, I took The Outsiders out from the library.  The book that changed my pre-teen years.  The book that I couldn’t put down, that I sat and cried through as I reached the end before school in Ms. Collins 4th grade classroom.  The book that taught me about empathy, and compassion, and how words can be beautiful.

And it sat there, at the foot of the stairs, for weeks.  Finally, I brought it to X’s room and said, “Listen, this book is important to me.  And, it’s violent and intense, and you can watch the movie when you’re done, and just try the first chapter.”  He begrudgingly closed the graphic novel he was reading, and said that he’d give it a try.

An hour later, I snuck upstairs and he was still reading under his covers well past his bedtime.  He was already leaving the drive-in, and I realized that I had to clarify some things.   I had to show him what a madras shirt looked like, and tell him they were “soshes” not “socks” and that things were going to happen that we’d need to discuss.

Two days later, he stuffed it in his bag to “finish it at school” and I felt like I had to warn him that I bawled at my desk when I was ten.  He left it at home.  The next day he asked me who my favorite character was.  And I asked him: what role each character took in the book; what would have changed if Johnny didn’t have the knife; what did people think about Greasers, was it true;  what did Johnny mean when he told Pony to “stay gold”.

And we talked about the power of writing.  Why it was important for Pony to write down his story.  And how writing can be a powerful, healing experience.

I hope Xavier never forgets these lessons, and he carries his love of reading throughout his life.  When things get hard, or scary, or confusing he can turn to the written word for knowledge and comfort.  That he can always see the sunsets, and that he always stays gold.

Are My Sons Sexist? Now what?

I first noticed it this summer.  While watching American Ninja Warrior, the boys consistently rooted for the women competitors to fall and didn’t believe that a woman could ever complete the very physical obstacle course.  I ignored it, knowing that, eventually, a competitor would prove them wrong.  When she did, and she roared in celebration, the youngest said that she was rude and obnoxious, despite the fact that the men in the competition crowed all the time.  Uh oh!

Then, while watching an interview with a female politician, I told the boys to pay attention as she “might be our next president.”  They laughed.  Laughed, because, “Mom, a woman can’t be president.”  Oh no!

Finally, the last straw.  In a conversation about their grandparents, both boys fervently believed that their grandfather was “much smarter” than their grandmother.  Maybe they valued practical knowledge over book smarts, or they responded to the authoritative way in which my father states his beliefs.  Or, maybe, we have a problem.

Hmmm…  Let’s try this experiment…. “Boys, who’s smarter?  Mom or Dad?”  Without missing a beat, with barely a pause, they both said, in unison, “Dad.  Of course.”  Well. There it is.  Because, while I have no desire to besmirch my very bright husband, I have no idea why the kids would think he’s smarter than me. I write, I read, we help with homework equally, we solve problems together.  The kids watch me work often, and have seen me be honored for my professional endeavors.  I rarely ask my husband to do something I can manage.  And, we generally eschew the traditional gender roles in our household.

Now what? I’ve written a lot about being a Mom of Boys.  I think hard about the responsibility of raising young men in this world.  I’m conscious of the things we say and do, and the messages that the boys receive.  And yet, the sexism still seeped in.

Media is a huge part of it.  How do you counteract the Brains vs. Babes episode of Wipeout?  And, how do you fight the basic conceit of Big Bang Theory; smart boy loves hot girl?  And cartoons, and graphic novels, and Disney, and princesses, and princesses, and princesses?  And maybe, subconsciously, there’s tons of messages that they receive at home and at school and in the world.

Sexism is everywhere.  Misogyny is everywhere.  How do we fight it?  I need to look harder for images of equality, and I need to share those images with my friends and with the school and with my community.  And, I need to continue being a role model to the boys, I need to continue to walk the walk. I need to show them, often, that girls can do anything boys can do.

Most importantly, I need to continue the dialogue, and I need to ask my husband, and my father and the men in my life to do the same.  It’s so important for all of us to point out inequality in the world and name it.  We need to help the kids see how the messages we see are often untrue.  We need to continually remind all the little boys and girls that gender does not determine worth.

The Boy and His Stuffies

 When Xavier was three months old, we couldn’t get him to sleep.  Every time we put him down in his crib he would wail and scream.  In a moment of desperation, we placed a little stuffed monkey next to him, just barely touching his little arm, and he slept.  The next day we put him down again.  Same thing, he wailed; put the monkey next to him, he slept.  Thus started his special relationship with Mono.

We were strict about stuffed animals when the kids were babies.  They stayed in their rooms, they didn’t come downstairs, they didn’t leave the house except for sleepovers.  We didn’t want the kids to get too dependent on any certain possession.  We didn’t want to get stuck in a situation where we had to turn the car around because we left a stuffy at home.  Didn’t really matter though, the heart knows what it wants.

Throughout the years the relationships with the stuffies have changed, and they’ve become a part of the family.  Each animal has it’s own personality, some have theme songs, all have their quirks.  Mono is the leader and the dad; Burpy is a trouble maker but always has fun ideas; Brownie is the golden child; Rosalita is a girl but she can pack a punch; Swinger is fun because he’s a guy but he likes wearing girl clothes and his favorite color is pink.  Moo moo is a bit of a pig (even though he’s a cow) he eats garbage and never showers.

Ed and my relationship with the stuffies have changed too.  Ed has never liked the stuffed animals and finds the boys relationships with them slightly disturbing.  I find that the animals act out behavior that is unacceptable to me.  “Xavier, if Burpy doesn’t quiet down and change his voice, everyone will get grounded!!”  We talk about when enough is enough with the animals; and when they’re too “babyish” and not “manly” at all.

But, I can see that the role playing is important to the boys development.  They play out social interactions with the animals that are hard and confusing.  When Clut Clut gets too rambunctious, he needs to have a “time out” to pull himself together.  When Burpy is mean, the other animals don’t want to play with him.  And, it becomes a lesson on how different friends (monkey, cow, bat, monster, dog) can all get along and love each other unconditionally.

As the boys get older, I see them moving away from their stuffies.  The play is more grown up and a little more violent.  The guys still play “school” but now, they also play “animal wars”.  And, the stuffies are getting old.  Mono is starting to take a back seat, looking a little matted and worn.  The boys have gone to their grandparents, and forgotten their animals at home.

They’re growing up, and real relationships are starting to take the place of these make believe lives.  They’ve practiced these interactions and are ready to try the real world.  And when it’s not easy, and things don’t go their way, they’ll always have their guys at home who love them no matter what.

Parenting’s a Crappy Gig

Let me be the one to say it, because you know you’ve all been thinking it.  Parenting is a really shitty gig.

You go to a job interview, and they say, “You’ll be on call 24 hours a day, you’ll be expected to work overtime on the weekends, you’ll have full responsibility for every task and there’s rarely anyone to delegate to.  Your boss can be unreasonable, selfish, beligerant.  You’ll serve as director, secretary, bookkeeper, custodian, chauffeur, chef, and CEO.  And, by the way, this is a volunteer position, you won’t be paid a cent.”

And, I know….  You would never change it for the world, and you love those lil’ buggers, and it’s the worst job you’ll ever love.  And, that’s all bullshit.  You know this job blows chunks.

I love my kids.  Totally.  Unequivocally.  Madly.  And, I’m at the stage of their development when I really LIKE them too.  I have fun with them, we laugh a lot, and I legitimately enjoy their company.  It’s really not them, it’s the responsibility.

The soul crushing, overwhelming, absolute responsibility.  The worrying, and the second guessing, and the messiness of it.

As I sat on the toilet for a half an hour yesterday, holding my nine year old’s bloody nose, covered with rapidly drying red dots, as my six year old cleaned off the walls, I had a while to think about this (Yes Dad, I took him to the doctor.  He’s fine)  It’s an impossible task, with very little room for error.  And, there’s a million ways to mess it up.

You have to keep them clean, and fed, and well rested.  The have to be smart, and work hard, and be nice kids.  They can’t cuss, or fart, or pick their nose in public. They need to get to school on time, and like healthy foods, and play well with others. You need to deal with the strange rash on their head, and where their glasses are, and whether they are “happy.”  And, you have to look good doing it.

For the love of God, why didn’t anyone warn us!!  Quite simply, because if we truly understood, would we have agreed to bring these monsters into the world.  Or maybe I was warned and I chose to ignore them.  Hubris.  Pure hubris.

I’m sure of this.  Everyone,  every single last one of you, agrees with me.  Whether you choose to admit it or not.  Whether you smile through the muck, or cry through it, struggle every day, or knock it outta’ the park; it’s a shitty gig.

So, give the dad in the super market an understanding grin. Help that mom trying to drag the double stroller into the restaurant. Have patience with the parents struggling to feed their two toddlers in the crowded restaurant.  We’ve all been there, and we’ll all be there again.  Love your favorite parent today.

Dear Sons, (what I really want for Mother’s Day)

Dear Sons,

I love you sweet boys oh so very much.  And, although I’m sure, your father will force you to make a lovely half-assed card featuring monsters and lasers and a fair amount of poop, and your teacher will make you paint a frame and put a blurry picture of yourself in it, there are other things I want for Mother’s Day.  And, if you can’t pull that off, I kinda’ want a Magic Bullet (smoothies are hot right now).

• I would like to spend one day in the car without you arguing about what you want to talk about.  You might actually have a pleasant conversation if you could just stop fighting about whether talking about Pokemon is annoying or not. (hint:  it is)
• You could admit that you actually love playing outside.  That you love baseball and soccer and playing at the playground.  That you’d prefer to be active then to sit in front of a screen rotting your brain.
• About those screens.  They are not that important.  They are not worth your anger, and your frustration and your general whiny-ness when you don’t get to play.  Playing electronics are not, and will never be, a priority in this family.  Give it up!
• In fact, please learn, that you will never get your way by whining.  You are 9 and 6.  We have never given in to your whining.  We never will.  It is not a functional way to communicate with us.  You will not win that fight.
• Put your shoes on. Now.
• For the love of god, clean yourself!  You are boys.  You smell.  You must shower, and brush your teeth, and comb your hair.
• Ask your father.  He is sitting right next to you.  Watching hockey.  Do you not see him?  Do you have to walk up the stairs, storm into the bathroom, and ask me for apple juice?  Do you?
• Now means NOW.
• We have a routine.  We do the same thing every single morning.  You need socks everyday; you need your backpack everyday; you need to strap in everyday.  Why can you not understand that?  And don’t ask me what we have.  We “have” the same things we always “have”.
• Enough with the sarcasm.  I know you “learned it from watching me,” but my sarcasm is warranted, acceptable, and witty.  Yours is annoying.
• You are not bored.  You keep saying that word.  I do not think that word means what you think it means.
• Please take pictures with me.  Moms aren’t in enough pictures, moms always miss out on the photos.  Please let me have pictures with my sons; even if they’re goofy.
• Never stop holding my hand.  Never grow to big to cuddle with your mom.  Just love me unconditionally; I promise to do the same.

Shaking It Up

I am a creature of habit.  I love my routine.  I check my e-mail at 6:40 every morning, have my first cup of coffee while the boys eat breakfast,  leave the house at 8:05 every day, and drive the same way to drop the boys off.  And, I blog every thursday.

How boring.  How rote.  How expected.  Oh, but it makes me so happy.  To have everything lined up in a row.  To have the lunches made up just the right way.  To have all the clothes folded proper.  According to me….

And, that’s the rub, right?  It’s about control.  It’s about doing things the right way.  It’s about being in charge.  And, you must admit, life does run smoother when there’s a plan, and when there’s rules to follow.

But, life shakes things up a bit.  Life throws you curveballs.  Sometimes big changes, sometimes small.  But the world wants chaos, no matter how we try to order it.  And the more we order it, the more nature fights back.  The traffic jams, and the unexpected meetings, and the little illnesses that throw you on your ass.

What if you lean into the curve.  Embrace the chaos.  Let go of the reins for a while and enjoy the ride.  Just a bit.  You might get lost cleaning your yard for three hours on a saturday afternoon, and might just throw on some clothes and go out to drinks with some great friends, and hit balls on the baseball diamond with your favorite guys.

What’s the worse that could happen?  You might have a relaxing weekend, one without e-mails and messages.  You might get some unexpected things done, things that you’ve been dying to do for months.  Your children might learn that there’s no “right” way to do get stuff done, and no “right” time do the things you love.

And, amazingly, all the things that are waiting to get done will still get done.  And all the important things on your “to do” list will still be there when you get to them.  And all the people who “need” you will still be waiting on monday.

And, maybe, you might just learn something new.  The world doesn’t stop spinning just because your calendar gets put aside.  Spontaneity, is a learned behavior, and your children are watching.  Responsibilities that weigh you down are often not quite as heavy as they might seem.  A little bit of shaking it up is good for your soul.  And, it might give you the much needed restart you didn’t know you needed.

 

Fast Forward

You know those days when you look up at your clock, notice the time, and realize that the day is almost over?  Those “don’t have time to pee” days?  Those days when you drive home so hangry (hungry-angry) that you can’t see straight?  I know those days.

And, when I embarked upon Life 2.0 I promised myself that I wouldn’t have those days any longer.  That I’d manage my responsibilities better, that I’d delegate well, that I’d say “no” more and be more reasonable in my expectations.  I was doing well.  Really, really well, and then this week snuck up on me.  And, I found myself scheduling meetings on top of meetings, and taking phone calls while I picked up the kids, and checking e-mails in the car in between appointments.

I forgot how much I hated that feeling.  The scrambling for a pen, racing heart rate, “wish I could chat, but I have to go” feeling.  And, sometimes it’s unavoidable.  Working mom, two kids, PTO, staying healthy, can be very time consuming.  But, sometimes we need to step back and figure out how to restart at a better speed.

I’m trying again today.  I woke up a little bit earlier.  I made 30 minutes for myself today, to run by the ocean.  I took the time to walk with my son to school this morning.  I committed to drinking a full cup of coffee (while it was still hot). I took care of small things when they cropped up, didn’t put them off and let them pile up.  I’ll make myself a proper lunch.  And, I’ll put off things that are non-essential for later.

Most importantly, I’ll breath.  Between each task, whether big or small, I’ll take a moment to breath and check in with myself.  And, if it all doesn’t get done, I’ll let myself off the hook, and I’ll try again tomorrow.

My Journey to PTO

It’s no secret that I hated school.  I hated everything about it.  The schedule, the homework, the socializing with classmates.  Especially the socializing with classmates.  So, it was no surprise, when Xavier started school, that I had no interest in playing the “mommy game.”   I avoided the drop off and pick up, the hanging outside of school, the gathering at Starbucks once the kids were gone.  I was too busy for the bake sales, showed up just as school performances were starting and ran out just as they ended, and was always working during meetings or mixer events.  I avoided volunteering and planning and socializing with the moms who could make the time for these endeavors.

And then, I became a mom who could make the time for these endeavors.  When I left my job, Xavier changed schools mid-year and I was desperate to make sure that his transition went as smoothly as possible.  I knew, from experience, that the best way to help my kids fit in was to meet the parents, and try to fit in myself.  I needed to figure out how this new school worked, what I needed to know, who made the decisions.  So, I found myself, on a wednesday night, when I’d much rather be throwing back a beer on my couch, sitting on little chairs in the science classroom attending my first PTO meeting.

I met good people that night, I learned important things, I let people know that we were a family that was here for the long haul.  And, I got involved.  For one of the first times in my academic career, I joined in.  It was awkward.  It was uncomfortable.  As welcoming as the new school was, it was hard to not know anything and anyone; to not fit in.  But, I kept at it.  I volunteered, I showed up, I helped out.

I like to think that we got lucky.  That we got placed at a school with an active group of parents, who worked together, who were committed, and who loved their school.  That, what we’ve found at Xavier’s school, is unique and special, and something to be appreciated.

The parents at RCIS are an amazing group of people.  Five years ago, the school was scheduled to close because of budget cuts, but the parents banded together to convince the school department to keep our little school open.  One of the oldest schools in Boston, just a little single-stream K-5 on a little one-way street in Dorchester.  But this school has soul, and fortitude, and grit.  When we needed a new playground, the parents fought with the school department and applied for grants and entered contests.  Last year, their effort paid off with a commitment from the school department, a grant from the NFL, and a visit from the Patriots.  We have a new older-kid playground, a beautiful mural, and beautiful garden beds in the front of the school.  All because of the effort of this amazing group of parents.

I’m proud to say that I’m a part of these efforts now.  I’m the Class Mom and I bake for Teacher Appreciation Days and I’m (somehow) the Chair for this year’s fundraiser.  I love giving back to this amazing little school.  I love my new friends on the playground.  I love sharing with them the highs and lows of parenting.  I love watching their children grow and mature.  I love fighting with them for what is right for our children and our community.  And, I can’t wait to see what we’ll do next.

https://www.fundraise.com/roger-clap-innovation-school/2014-founders-celebration

My Kids Can Hang

Last weekend we attended the wedding of very close friends.  But, we had a quandary. Do we bring the kids?  The wedding was in Cancun, at an all-inclusive resort, during the first weeks of spring break.  Yet the kids would have been crushed if they missed this opportunity, and the winter has been so rough, and they deserved a vacation too.  So we packed them up and brought them to this most decidedly adult of events.

People thought we were nuts.  Why would you bring you children to this center of modern young adult debauchery?  Why would you want them there?  What will you do with them?  In fact, we weren’t concerned at all.  Because, we know our kids can hang.  We’ve put a lot of effort over the years in making sure we rarely have to shuffle them up with a babysitter or leave them out of a good time.  By the end of the weekend, many of the guests, and lots of perfect strangers made a point to tell us how great the kids were, and how, someday, they’d like to have kids “just like yours.”  Our response, “Thank you, we’ve worked very hard at it.”  Here’s some tips we’ve picked up along the way.

Start Early:  When Xavier was three weeks old, he’d only quiet down when he was in crowded places.  So, we took him out… a lot.  His car seat had a special spot on the corner of the bar in our favorite restaurant.  The owners would pick him up if he got fussy and seat customers with him in their arms.  The boys grew up in restaurants, and learned how to behave: from being fed from the high chairs, to sharing our dinners, to reading the menu and ordering their own food.

Teach Them Manners: We eat dinner as a family almost every night.  Whether we’re having a roasted chicken, or chicken fingers, we try to sit down together and eat like civilized folk.  The boys know that they are expected to sit like gentlemen and have conversations.  That toys do not belong on a table.  That you don’t get up until everyone’s finished.  That you chew with your mouth shut.  And eat with utensils.  That you taste what’s placed in front of you.  And that you say please and thank you.

Don’t Hide Your Children:  We were the first of our friends to have babies,  So, out of necessity, they were always around.  When our friends came over for a game of darts, we passed the babies around as we took turns.  When we had lunch with friends, the kids came along.  When we were invited to house parties, so were our kids.  They became an expected part of the package and they learned to hang out with adults.  They learned to answer questions when grown ups asked.  They learned how to be introduced to strangers.  They learned how to not interrupt when we were talking to someone.  And they learned how to entertain themselves.

Don’t Baby Talk Them:  It became very clear that our friends were not going to temper their behavior or their mouth for the sake of the young ears.  So we learned to talk to our kids about grown-up behavior and what was appropriate and inappropriate.  They understand that sometimes adults act poorly, and that some words are not for children to say.  At their young age, we talk to them about all the grownup things so that they feel safe and involved in our conversations.  And we ask them their opinions about things; we include them in our discussions.

Respect Their Time:  If we ask the kids to do something that is above and beyond the normal, we show them our appreciation.  We always make a point of thanking them for behaving so well, and staying respectful when we drag them somewhere they don’t want to go.  And, if we know that it’s going to be a particularly long night, or a particularly odious visit, we respect their desire to “do things that we like”.  We let them bring their crayons along, or borrow our cell phones, or let them sit in a corner to watch a movie.  They know that once they make their initial commitment, they can do their thing without the grownups bothering them.

Know When Enough is Enough:  Remember that if the kids are miserable, then everyone is miserable.  If everyone is miserable, the invitations will stop coming.  Know when the kids have had enough and respect them enough to leave early for their sake.  Make sure that you sneak in time for them throughout the evening.  That you don’t ignore their needs while you’re having fun.  And, when they’ve had it, know the cues and leave graciously before all hell breaks loose.

Enjoy Their Company: I really like hanging out with my kids.  We have lots of fun together, and I legitimately enjoy their company.  Let them know that they are a valued member of the team and that they are a respected guest at the party.  Include them in discussions and let them choose some of the activities.  Make sure that time is spent just with them and that they are not left out of the group.  Allow their interests and desires to be valid and respected.

We had an amazing time in Cancun.  We played on the beach and swam in the pool and stayed up late.  The boys learned how to take advantage of the all-you-can-eat buffet (as many bacon and donut sandwiches as you like).  They learned how to be gracious ushers and take real responsibility for their wedding party role.  They learned how to swim up to the pool bar and order their own limeade.  And, when asked on the last evening if they planned on staying up late, they said, “We’re sure gonna’ try to rally!!”  And they did.