My home is quiet. Empty. Peaceful. And it bugs the shit outta’ me. For all of my complaining this summer; how I can’t get work done, how the boys couldn’t keep their hands off each other, how I was going to get seriously punitive on my children, I miss them.
I don’t miss “them,” per say, but I miss the craziness. I miss dragging them out of the house every morning, and grumbling about constantly feeding them. I miss planning our days, and forcing them to do errands. And most of all, I miss trying to carve out an hour to get work done, and complaining when they interrupt me.
This “working mom who stays at home” gig is new to me. And it takes some getting used to. In my “60 hour a week” days, I was used to juggling responsibilities, doing ten things at once, and running around like a maniac. The students used to joke that they could hear the quick “clip clop” of my heels as I flew around the building, that I could never sneak up on anyone. Now, when I get to work, no one hears me coming. I can sit quietly in my kitchen or on my couch, with no one to disturb my focus.
Turns out, I’m lousy at focusing on one thing. I jump quickly from one project to the next. Writing a report, checking the laundry, drafting an e-mail, and weeding the garden. But, with a lack of urgency, without the “if only I had more hours in the day” attitude, I’m having a hard time completing any one thing.
I’m working on being present. I’m working on focusing on now. On calming down, and breathing, and not being frenzied. On completing one thing at a time and then moving on to the next. On not creating urgency where there is none. I’m working on appreciating the silence of a quiet home when I have it and embracing the madness when I don’t.
It’s actually quite lovely. To sit and drink a cup of coffee while I check my e-mails or write this blog. To be able to go outside and check the flowers when I need to clear my head. This opportunity is a gift, one that I shouldn’t take lightly. A chance to focus on today in all it’s peaceful, silent glory; until 2 o’clock roles around and it all gets crazy again.